Posted by: S | March 25, 2011

LOL is Officially a Real Word

As it does every few months, the Oxford Dictionary recently updated itself to

LOL will be my new favorite Scrabble word

acknowledge new words as acutal words.  Most famous was a few years ago when Bootylicious was added, following a popular Destiny’s Child song.  Now, no longer just texting jargin, LOL along with OMG  have been added as official words of the english language.  While I can find this humorous, as I too use both phrases on a daily basis, (are you ever really laughing when you say lol? I’m not.)  I use them knowing that they are not real words.  In fact, they are acronyms, which by definition are words made from the first letters of each word in a phrase.

By this time next year, I predict that the term DTF will be in the dictionary as a word.  I can see it now…  The second grade spelling be: “spell DTF” the proctor asks.  The child responds, “can I have the definition please”.

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Posted by: S | March 25, 2011

American Idol: Too Many Suprises

Is it just me, or was last night’s episode of American Idol on crack.  It definitely isn’t just me.  I orginally had chosen not to write a recap of this week’s competition.  I mean, how do you write about a show where nothing happens?  According to the judges, each contestant “knows how to be you, and no one does you, better than you”, whatever the fuck that means.  Am I the only one who was bored out of my mind? The judges have a responsibility to tell us through their comments who’s good and who’s bad, and this week they really dropped the ball.

That brings us to last night’s elimination episode, aka 6 minutes of Idol content mixed with 54 minutes of random performances, car commericals and featured gag reels (yea, I’m talking to you Marc Anthony).  But I must say, I believe that Executive Producer Nigel Lythgoe must have tried ecstacy tablets for the first time, because this particular show was wackier than usual.

It started out in usual fashion with a group performance, standard.  Then, in honor of Steven Tyler’s birthday, suprise musical guest and legend Stevie Wonder took the stage to sing “Happy Birthday”, I’m OK with this too.  But it doesn’t end there.  In the midst of informing two male contestants who I think are both enormous freak shows, Hulk Hugan himself came out and fake punched Ryan Secrest in the face.  Like, why is this happening, and why is the audience even pretending to laugh.  Let’s not humor this behavior, or it will continue.  Lets call this what it is- Hulk needed a few bucks for dinner, and this appearance just bought him a Peter Luger’s steak.

Continuing a night of surprises, Zach Galifinakis lookalike and resident weirdo Casey was saved by the judges, after being voted off.  Now, I don’t think he has a chance of winning, so this seems like a wash to me, but I’ve been wrong before.  What’s funny is that initially everyone was upset that Casey was being sent home.  They were welling up with tears, watching him longingly.  Then, when the judges used their one and only save card of the season, the faces of the contestants changed.  I saw actual fear with a mix of distain, as if they were saying,  “I wish this piece of shit would’ve gone home so I had a chance of being saved in the future”.

And though I may disagree on their choice, using the save card means that finally, we’ve got a competition.  I’ve had enough of positive comments, hugs and rainbows.  I stopped watching Sesame Street a long time ago.

Posted by: L | March 24, 2011

Jersey Shore: YEAAAAAA…BUDDY!

So the episode starts with Sitch, Ron and Sam getting to the bottom of the Arvin mess.   Its great that Mike is the one who’s fighting with Sam, and is in Ronnie’s hear like Jiminy Cricket. Sam accuses Arvin of lying about making out with her, I believe Arvin.  And WAIT A MINUTE.  Since when did the house-mates get cell phone permission?  Look at Ronnie, texting away.

Ronnie is a real bad ass.  Slouching on the job at the tee-shirt store.  I wish I could nap for the entire work day.  I also wish that my work week consisted of a four hour shift twice a week.  I also wish I got paid $20-30 grand an episode.

She almost looks like Deena here....

This BBQ was bumpin’.  Big Jerry is awesome.  Roger somehow is surprised that J-Woww’s dad drove to the Jersey Shore all the way from Franklin Square, Long Island.  Letting J-Woww play the pinata is game….over.  Hey guess what Deena, you ARE a cock block.  You may be a “blast in a glass”, but you’re performance at the BBQ was a cock blockage of epic proportions.  Vinny doesn’t deserve that., but in fairness, calling Deena an Angelina is crossing the line and heres why:  Deena is insulted, but not because of any personal experiences with Angelina (they’ve probably never met).  Instead, she’s mad about the fact that she’s being compared to a TV character that she doesn’t like.  Vinny is rubbing in the fact that he’s more “Jersey Shore” than Deena.  You following?  By the way, I’m glad that with all his clout, Pauli was able to land a DJing gig at his own BBQ.

Why is Mike apologizing to Sammi?  My guess is that he just got off the phone with ABC, who invited him to participate in Dancing With The Stars, contingent on the fact that he doesn’t stir up any more drama.

Last time the house went to Rivoli’s, they were unable to go out at night cuz they were so full.  What gives?  Snooki is raring up to have sex with an old man, or something like that.  Well Roger and J-Woww are official.  This was a boring season for J-Woww in my opinion.  We all know that her future is in the WWE, so I guess I can wait for more drama.

Clearly Snooki’s bang is a moron.  Why is he surprised that Snooki knows how to make grilled cheese?  That’s like Sammi

Snooki promises a nation where everyone is tan.

being surprised after fighting with Ron.  And another thing.  MTV should officially offer Ronnie and Sam a spinoff.  That way, Jersey Shore fans like myself can pick and choose whether or not they want to see them fight for 24 minutes each week.  Like, enough of this.  “You’re my best friend…you’re the only one who makes me sad, miserable….excited.”  Give me a break.

Ahh the end is here.  Its good they’re not even pretending that they’re not gonna be seeing each other every day for promos after leaving the house.  Its like they get in their Beamers, and simply drive off set.  What’s more insulting, Vinny calling Deena, “Angelina”, or the producer trying to get Snooki to compare her relationship with Vinny to “Ron and Sam”?  I say push.    The season ended as fitting a way as possible: Snooki has officially announced her candidacy for President of the United States.

Posted by: S | March 24, 2011

Miley Smokes, Laws Get Passed

In the wake of her father announcing that Miley is out of control and that fame has ripped their family apart (I’m pretty sure thats code for Billy Ray’s wife cheating on his bandana wearing, goatee sporting, achey breaky heart with Bret Michaels), the Cyrus clan is putting up a fight again, and not just in the ring of public opinion.

After being video taped ripping “Salvia” bong hits months ago, the Suffolk County legislature has passed a bill yesterday to outlaw the hallucinagenic drug  which up until now was a very legal substance.  Now I ask Miley, what did Salvia ever do to you!?  Wouldn’t it have just been easier to admit you were smoking pot and join the already ongoing battle to legalize weed?  Instead, her actions have inspired the government to go after helpless, little ole Salvia.  Next the bill will travel to the New York Assembly, and if passed, then to onto Congress.

In order to divert public attention from this matter, Billy Ray has announced that he is calling off his impending divorce to his cheating wife.  There you go Billy.  Look at you taking one for the family team.  But before you start thinking he’s just a good yet creepy daddy, don’t think he’s forgotten who pays for all his flannel shirts.

Posted by: L | March 24, 2011

Tired? Land an airplane!

Maybe next time American Airlines won't hire a narcoleptic.

While some believe that Mike D’Antoni should be fired (trust me, more on this in the coming weeks), there are a few people that ABSOLUTELY need to be fired, if not prosecuted for sheer stupidity.  For those of you who haven’t heard, a few nights ago two flights were unable to get in contact with Washington DC Air Traffic Controller as they approached Reagan Airport.  Apparently, the sole man responsible for getting the plane on the ground fell asleep on the job.

Obviously, the guy who fell asleep has gotta go.  If mall cops on night duty are able to stay awake on their boring ass job, then there’s no excuse for a dude with hundreds of lives in his hands to fall asleep.    The one who I’m mad about is the jackass who made the decision to keep one man in the control tower late at night.  That guy should be fired, and never allowed near an airport again.  He must’ve been the same guy who decided that in Freshman year, my acne cream was a threat to national security, and needed to be destroyed

Imagine being the pilot, who was forced to tell his unassuming (and high paying) passengers that they had to circle around in the air, delaying their landing, because they were unable to get in contact with the control tower.  Thank God everything worked out.  I really have no tolerance for stupidity, especially in air travel.  The passengers should be refunded for their minutes of terror.

Posted by: S | March 24, 2011

Get to Know the Real B. Spears

Publicizing her soon to be released album, Britney Spears shares 25 things you don’t know about her in this week’s Us Magazine.  I must admit that I’m a huge Britney fan, and I was very excited to learn some new things about my girl B.  However after reading, I was disapointed as most of her “fun facts” simply depict her as a seven year old.  To be clear, this list does not affect my admiration for Brit, but in any event, here are some highlights for your enjoyment. 

#2. “I take two baths a day”- I imagine she could cut it down to one if she started wearing shoes in truck stop bathrooms.

#6. “I enjoy animated films”- Since every other movie these days is animated, I would’ve preferred some clarification.  Are we talkin like nemo? or more like rugrats?

#11. “I love to draw”- I really hope she posts a twit pic of her most recent drawing.  I predict it’ll be a stick figure family standing under a rainbow.  I myself, was honored with a prize in kindergarten for a similiar drawing.

#12. “I enjoy cooking spaghetti”- Brit, kids shouldn’t boil water without supervision… it’s unsafe!

#13. “I’m secretly a photographer”- Well then how insensative are you to break paparazzi’s cameras if they are your peers? Did you also attack yourself with an umbrella?

#15. “I collect dolls”- What are the odds she has a “no strings attached” Justin Timberlake doll? I’d say 12-1.

#18. “I played basketball — guard — in high school”- Anyone who has seen the “Baby One More Time” music video knows this.  Next.

#25. “I wrecked my mom’s Lexus in high school”- I’m sure she was upset until you bought her a new Range Rover.  I’d say you pretty much paid back your debt, wouldn’t you?

Brit, next time I’d appreciate some better facts that I don’t know.  For instance, I’d like to know how you got your body to look as great as it did in booty shorts circa 2003.  That would be intersting, not to mention helpful information.

Posted by: S | March 23, 2011

Chris Brown is Jealous of Charlie Sheen

With all the attention Charlie Sheen has been getting for his out of control behavior and questionable lifestyle, it makes sense to believe that other misguided stars are starving for some time in the limelight.  Exhibit A: Chris Brown.

It was two years ago that he was charged with assaulting our favorite

will the real Slim Shady please stand up?

Barbadian hip shaker Rihanna.  After a time period of being considered persona non grada, it seems that with the release of his recent album (yeah yeah yeaaaahh), the public is slowly beginning to accept Chris back onto our radios and into our hearts.  From the outside, it seemed like, so far, so good for young Chris, until he proved that court ordered anger management classes are overrated.

Now back on our bad boy radar (for all the wrong reasons), Chris has proved that in addition to being a 19 year old lose canon who hits pretty girls, he’s a 22 year old lose canon who probably will hit again, as evident by the path of destruction he left behind at the GMA studios.

Well Chris, you’ve done it!  You’ve officially stolen 3 minutes for us to talk about you intead of Charlie Sheen this week, while simultaneously reminding people why they hate you.  See what happens when you put your mind to something!?

Posted by: S | March 22, 2011

Kirstie Alley Can Dance, For Now

The Vernal Equinox brings many things; sunshine, flowers, my Birthday (soo soon!) and Dancing With The Stars!  As I wrote in a past prediction, this season is filled with fixer uppers, and that’s the way I like it.  After last night’s premeire, one thing I was wrong about was Kirstie Alley.  I mean shit, that girl has an ass (and a stomach…and arms), and she knows how to use it. 

Though I was wrong last night, I am still not convinced she has what it takes to make it all the way.  Regardless of her talent, I can’t imagine her enduring a physical dance like the jive, or a stamina driven dance like the quickstep.  I can’t imagine what she’d wear for sexy latin dances, unless they make her the Chiquitta Banana woman, but I suppose time will tell for woman for which the song “Brick House” was written. 

This got me thinking about other people that I’ve pre-judged by their appearance.  Fittingly, I’ve compiled a list of over weight people that still make me giggle.

Hurley: I didn’t even watch Lost, but I know this guy was cool.  In the few episodes I have seen, I just wanted to pinch his cheeks but didn’t for fear of touching his facial hair.  He proves that personality really can take you far (if you believe that crap) and eventually make you the leader of an island that may or may not really be pergatory.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Fine, not her, but her character Rosalie in Shallow Hal.  This very unattractive woman was funny, especially when she broke restaurant booth benches.  In the end, Hal learns of her true identity but true love prevails.  I like how they pretended it was on the inside that counts. 

Biggie Smalls: He was taken before his time, but his legacy still lives on.  He was a whole lot of rapper, but he embraced it and loved who he was which were evident in his lyrics.  “How you livin Biggie Smalls? I’m livin stupendous”.

Jessica Simpson: She may not weigh as much as her counterparts on this list, but for a pop princess, this is the equivilent.  Not to worry, after her booty shorts were confiscated, she found success in designing high heels shoes…they elongate the legs.

Billy Bob: He stared in Varsity Blues where his character got drunk, stipped on stage, and suffered from head injuries which lead to cute high school quarterbacks getting hurt.  Not great Billy Bob, not great.  I dont know his real name, but I know that he lost like 300 lbs. Now he’s someone I’d like to see on Dancing next season!

So if all these people had what it takes to get by, I can believe that perhaps Kirstie can find her way as well.  The longer she stays, the longer her partner Maksim is there, so lets go Kirstie!

Posted by: L | March 22, 2011

CBS’s Moral Compass is Pointed Toward Green

I have no problem with Charlie Sheen negotiating to return to “Two and a Half Men”.  He’s made it clear that he never wanted to leave the show, and that it was CBS’s decision to kick him out.   My problem is with CBS.

Your logo is an eye, but whose got their eye on you?

Could an entity be more transparent than CBS?  Mere weeks after labeling Sheen as an embarrassment, and firing him from their prime time calendar, CBS is crawling back.  I’m not surprised that they want to cash in on the money making machine that will undoubtedly accompany Sheen’s return to the already popular comedy.  It just reinforces that these execs are a bunch of sellouts.  Is Sheen no longer an embarrassment?  Do you now all of a sudden trust that he will stay sober?  Of course not.  They just want to take part in the WINNING!  I wish  “60 Minutes” wasn’t on CBS, because I’d like to see a piece on this crock of shit.  I guess i’ll have to settle for “20-20” or “Nightline”.

Posted by: M | March 19, 2011

WTF Rick Pitino

What is Rick Pitino already doing on the CBS halftime show?  You just lost to MOREHEAD STATE like less than 2 days ago.  Take some time to, I don’t know, at least make it appear to your players that you give a shit?

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